hi friends.
i saw courtnay and brently and janice and alison and josh and bryce and kaylie and mona and daveo! that was nice.

I don't want to do this

not alone.
not at all.
emotions can be misleading, can be weakness.
communication is no easy mark.
two aligned perfectly are few and far between.
not lost, just not found.
i'm immensly uneasy now.
too many ideas and thoughts to incorporate into life.
i don't know who i want to be but it's not who they tell me to become.

In Response to...

I like the subject line of this email... "here it all is"... it sounds honest, like all agendas and ambitions to the wind and all you have left is your integrity. Exhausted. Reading your words is like scanning a foggy memory, remembering what it looks like, remembering the words and actions, and not feeling a damn thing. I feel old, very old, and very very young. Every word you write I understand the meaning behind, I've mulled it over and spoken to God about, beg God about. But I am on my throne inviting Him to me. So that I might live in the life I built up around me. For lack of trust... to continue to enjoy the world as well... If only I might give up too, and not that I have to walk alone to His throne but that He could meet me and allow me to aproach it with Him. But it does not compute. Not yet, again. Again and again. We die, will will die, it is inevitable. Why then do we pervert our lives in whatever manner, where is the eyes of our soul to guide us outside of our small bodily environment? To see it for what it truly is? Life is magical. Mysterious. My arrogance provokes me into belief that I know all and am the end of all! That my life will be better lived within my own intellect! I'm not talking of sex and drugs and rock 'n roll either, I'm talking of the chance that I was given, that I am given, that I shit on everyday when I live without awarenss of something as beautiful as Jesus. I've let the deterioration of my mind run it's course and am now ripling with insanity. Again I don't speak of common things, known to us in this life, I do not need a straight jacket in accordance with any doctor here. My life is inert of faith, I believe. You're right, my friend, our paths will cross always. You're right to be touched when presented with a lesson of His grace and spirit. He is Right. Not that others are wrong, because He is more than all of it, it's been His creation all along. We're silly to be apprehensive of the world and its workings, of our short-comings, or of right and wrongs. He spoke and it was. Period. Do we really doubt He will be outdone by evil deeds of men and versions of religion? Silly. Do we doubt He has set Himself within us? Around us? So that one slight and we've ruined it for Him and His works? Silly. Not to discount faith and action. Please don't misunderstand. In fact, there is probably less to say on this matter than I'm letting on. So I will be done in my thoughts. Know that these are my thoughts, not my actions. These are my thoughts, here displayed for you, because you have allowed yourself to trust me and in doing that I can do nothing outside of recipricating your love and trust. You are Beth, you are created by Love. And I love you by grace. And I am not perfect.

Suppose you knew someone who's mind was slowly deteriorating. Suppose you knew multiple people who's minds were deteriorating. Would you stand, take up arms and fight for them? Would you even know how to? Could it be that we are all becoming smaller versions of ourselves as we grow older? We could have been whole once. But we spend our time with necessary adjustments and healing from experiences. Hmmm...

I can't seem to live up to expectations.
Maybe because I don't set any for myself.
Therefore I do not meet anyone else's.
Disappointment.
I feel terrible, and I feel liberated, and I feel like crying and laughing too.
One way tickets only cost half as much as a round trip.
That's saving a whole heck of a lot.
I'll tell you the truth.
It's not lovely, but bloody.
I'm not enough. I won't do enough. I want everything and nothing from you.
Manipulation, Dialougue, whatever you call it, it's not important.
The life and what that means to someone is.
I can't find what it means to me, it's ambiguous.
Provoke me, don't beat me.
Stir and twist if you must, but don't destroy me.

if for nothing more than...

my angel. my dear friend. my companion. you have been so many eyes, so many different laughs. Time is an intriguing concept, you have surpassed it. Time is within you. You hold the ability to be beyond limits, power or capacities. Transcend again. You're made of the matter of endless possibility. I am branded with belief through you, for you. Akin, there is an undeniable, unexplainable affinity between us.

p.s. it has been said that the person and the writing don't add up.. and I would have to agree that the reason behind this is due in large part, that I am living out the words I write... i'm sorry if this has made it hard to believe in my integrity.

What is...
A soul?
In those moments when the tears will not subside, and that one heartbreaking moan ecsapes the embrace of the lips...
Is it then just chemical bursts sent from and organ to trigger correct action/reaction responses?
To stand confidently in the face of your enemies, when dying quietly and unnoticed would be easier...
Would it then be just carnal instincts?
And of those bounds of epic growth and of plateau's of normalcy...
Are we so arrogant to believe we have contrived an all-encompassing end of ends within our extensive forms of psycology, biology and any other -ologies?
Did God create, or did we create God? Of the ladder, which would we prefer? And if the former than what is there to contimplate other than we are the created, the artwork, not the brush or even the hand.
I don't doubt all those things are in fact true. But is there more to it? And will we ever be certain before the day we lay our lids to permanent sleep?
I'm afraid of these questions, I'm afraid of these answers. Though, I can't help but inquire as to why little me would be afraid of anything... if in fact there are answers to be had...
I hear plea's of help and I just cannot give what they ask for. It's from their soul...