delibratecorrespondence

2007-01-08T14:47:00.000-08:00

hi friends.
i saw courtnay and brently and janice and alison and josh and bryce and kaylie and mona and daveo! that was nice.

2006-12-13T14:09:00.000-08:00

I don't want to do this

not alone.
not at all.
emotions can be misleading, can be weakness.
communication is no easy mark.
two aligned perfectly are few and far between.
not lost, just not found.
i'm immensly uneasy now.
too many ideas and thoughts to incorporate into life.
i don't know who i want to be but it's not who they tell me to become.

2006-11-28T20:03:00.000-08:00

In Response to...

I like the subject line of this email... "here it all is"... it sounds honest, like all agendas and ambitions to the wind and all you have left is your integrity. Exhausted. Reading your words is like scanning a foggy memory, remembering what it looks like, remembering the words and actions, and not feeling a damn thing. I feel old, very old, and very very young. Every word you write I understand the meaning behind, I've mulled it over and spoken to God about, beg God about. But I am on my throne inviting Him to me. So that I might live in the life I built up around me. For lack of trust... to continue to enjoy the world as well... If only I might give up too, and not that I have to walk alone to His throne but that He could meet me and allow me to aproach it with Him. But it does not compute. Not yet, again. Again and again. We die, will will die, it is inevitable. Why then do we pervert our lives in whatever manner, where is the eyes of our soul to guide us outside of our small bodily environment? To see it for what it truly is? Life is magical. Mysterious. My arrogance provokes me into belief that I know all and am the end of all! That my life will be better lived within my own intellect! I'm not talking of sex and drugs and rock 'n roll either, I'm talking of the chance that I was given, that I am given, that I shit on everyday when I live without awarenss of something as beautiful as Jesus. I've let the deterioration of my mind run it's course and am now ripling with insanity. Again I don't speak of common things, known to us in this life, I do not need a straight jacket in accordance with any doctor here. My life is inert of faith, I believe. You're right, my friend, our paths will cross always. You're right to be touched when presented with a lesson of His grace and spirit. He is Right. Not that others are wrong, because He is more than all of it, it's been His creation all along. We're silly to be apprehensive of the world and its workings, of our short-comings, or of right and wrongs. He spoke and it was. Period. Do we really doubt He will be outdone by evil deeds of men and versions of religion? Silly. Do we doubt He has set Himself within us? Around us? So that one slight and we've ruined it for Him and His works? Silly. Not to discount faith and action. Please don't misunderstand. In fact, there is probably less to say on this matter than I'm letting on. So I will be done in my thoughts. Know that these are my thoughts, not my actions. These are my thoughts, here displayed for you, because you have allowed yourself to trust me and in doing that I can do nothing outside of recipricating your love and trust. You are Beth, you are created by Love. And I love you by grace. And I am not perfect.

2006-11-21T16:41:00.000-08:00

Suppose you knew someone who's mind was slowly deteriorating. Suppose you knew multiple people who's minds were deteriorating. Would you stand, take up arms and fight for them? Would you even know how to? Could it be that we are all becoming smaller versions of ourselves as we grow older? We could have been whole once. But we spend our time with necessary adjustments and healing from experiences. Hmmm...

2006-11-17T19:20:00.000-08:00

I can't seem to live up to expectations.
Maybe because I don't set any for myself.
Therefore I do not meet anyone else's.
Disappointment.
I feel terrible, and I feel liberated, and I feel like crying and laughing too.
One way tickets only cost half as much as a round trip.
That's saving a whole heck of a lot.
I'll tell you the truth.
It's not lovely, but bloody.
I'm not enough. I won't do enough. I want everything and nothing from you.
Manipulation, Dialougue, whatever you call it, it's not important.
The life and what that means to someone is.
I can't find what it means to me, it's ambiguous.
Provoke me, don't beat me.
Stir and twist if you must, but don't destroy me.

2006-10-29T20:16:00.000-08:00

if for nothing more than...

my angel. my dear friend. my companion. you have been so many eyes, so many different laughs. Time is an intriguing concept, you have surpassed it. Time is within you. You hold the ability to be beyond limits, power or capacities. Transcend again. You're made of the matter of endless possibility. I am branded with belief through you, for you. Akin, there is an undeniable, unexplainable affinity between us.

p.s. it has been said that the person and the writing don't add up.. and I would have to agree that the reason behind this is due in large part, that I am living out the words I write... i'm sorry if this has made it hard to believe in my integrity.

2006-10-19T22:25:00.000-07:00

What is...
A soul?
In those moments when the tears will not subside, and that one heartbreaking moan ecsapes the embrace of the lips...
Is it then just chemical bursts sent from and organ to trigger correct action/reaction responses?
To stand confidently in the face of your enemies, when dying quietly and unnoticed would be easier...
Would it then be just carnal instincts?
And of those bounds of epic growth and of plateau's of normalcy...
Are we so arrogant to believe we have contrived an all-encompassing end of ends within our extensive forms of psycology, biology and any other -ologies?
Did God create, or did we create God? Of the ladder, which would we prefer? And if the former than what is there to contimplate other than we are the created, the artwork, not the brush or even the hand.
I don't doubt all those things are in fact true. But is there more to it? And will we ever be certain before the day we lay our lids to permanent sleep?
I'm afraid of these questions, I'm afraid of these answers. Though, I can't help but inquire as to why little me would be afraid of anything... if in fact there are answers to be had...
I hear plea's of help and I just cannot give what they ask for. It's from their soul...

2006-10-16T21:29:00.000-07:00

BRILLIANT!

2006-10-08T22:04:00.000-07:00

What I wouldn't give for the mind that specializes in articulating the beauty in infintely common things.
Like sitting day after day in cafe Faire, finding friends in familiarity.
In waking to afternoon traffic and midday sunlight, mumbled conversation streaming in the window of passerbyers.
The hilarity of entering the apartment and walking upstairs when the necesity is to walk down them, and making a lap back to front when your already nearly there.
Everyday I lay to rest the desire to write out common things.
My eyes see something special, but how to express them to the critic in others is the challenge.

2006-10-08T21:23:00.000-07:00

Try this on for size

I looked up "beauty standards" and 27,200,000 links came up.
The ones I happened to look into had a lot to say about race, feminism, polls, etc. Some of these articles were quite interesting and had some pretty powerful view points that seemed encouraging to one's own soul. However, I kept searching...
429,000,000 -fashion
2,130,000 -celebrity fashion
36,800,000 -celebrity beauty
164,000,000 -body image
1,050,000,000 -beauty

There are even sites dedicated to rating the "Most Beautiful People in the WORLD"... my first thought... Have "they" actually met every person in the world?
I'm not sure where I'm going...

Alison - Courageous and humble, so lovely as one can truly be.
Hilary - she has one of the most intense minds, she is jubulent and intoxicating.
Alicia - More dedicated than I've ever met, driven, cogitative and musing in life.
Kaylie - sophisticated, she loves fully and wholly when she could choose to not love at all.
Joe - nomadic at heart, unsettled and in love with adventure and excitement.
Kyle - Faithful and loyal, a true friend indeed.
Brent - He's ready and waiting always for someone to challenge and provoke thought, he doesn't rest on laurels.
Courtnay - a lady in all aspects of the word, so deeply sensitive and provocotive.
ON and on and on Jessica, Bryce, Leah, Kelsey etc etc etc....

Anyway, I'm not here to define anyone, I don't posses the ability or knowledge to. I'm not even here to bash on make-up or hair products or any "beauty enhancers", really I say do what you want. My point, I think, is that I could go on and on about the hundreds of people I have come across in my short 21 years of life, that I have known for years or not even minutes, and there is infinit amounts of "beauty" physical and otherwise about them. People radiate beauty from every pore, from every flaw, from every glance and emotion. Of course some people can be horribly ugly, but know that I could never mean that in a physical sense. My apologies to anyone I have ever made feel less than what they truly are, worthy and beautiful.
Fuck Fascist Beauty Standards.

2006-10-04T15:03:00.000-07:00

Enough IS Enough

NO more talk of love and lost. Ew and BORING. ok now that THAT'S out of my system. Few.

Good Story:
I went to what I THOUGHT was a gay club to meet my roomate and our friends. (This may seem incredibly weird to you, however I live on the hill which represents the gay community of Seattle... so everything is a gay bar, don't worry about it.)
I returned home from a friend's home and knew my roomate and friends would come in the apartment loud and all hope of sleep would be lost, so I went out to meet them instead.
Now, mind you, I don't dance much outside of my room infront of my mirror. Therefore at this club I am akwardly trying not to dance awkward, to stay unnoticed. Dancing isn't working out for me so I weaved my way through the tumecsent crowd and am stopped by (what I think is a gay man) saying "you are gorgeous" and kissing my hand. In return I pat him on the shoulder with a "thanks" and walk away unaffected.
This is where the story thickens! Continuing the night with another attempt at dancing, I then am approached by this same "gay" man, and for the next few seconds until the shock and hillarity wore off, was "danced" on by this man and his full erection. I left him with another pat on the shoulder in the direction of the bar to take a very strong shot.
Moral: Not every man in a gay bar is gay.

Now THAT's funny!

2006-10-01T17:07:00.000-07:00

Love is: I don't have one yet, but here are interesting theories.

East

We live in this world when we love it.
– Rabindranath Tagore

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
– The Bible : 1 Corinthians

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

– The Bible : 1 Corinthians

Lian is a virtuous benevolent love. Lian should be pursued by all human beings, and reflects a moral life.
– Confucius

Ai is universal love towards all beings, not just towards friends or family, without regard to reciprocation.
– Mo Zi
West

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.
– Sophocles

In love, one and one are one.
– Jean-Paul Sartre

True love doesn't come to you it has to be inside you.
– Julia Roberts

What a grand thing, to be loved! What a grander thing still, to love!
– Victor Hugo

Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius.
– Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.
– Victor Hugo

The first duty of love is to listen.
– Paul Tillich

There is nothing half so sweet in life as love's young dreams.
– Tomas Moore

The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
– G. K. Chesterton

Grow old along with me the best is yet to be.
– Robert Browning

Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.
– William Shakespeare

2006-09-23T16:45:00.000-07:00

I added a new word to my vocabulary today!

quix‧ot‧ic - [kwik-sot-ik]

–adjective 1. (sometimes initial capital letter) resembling or befitting Don Quixote.
2. extravagantly chivalrous or romantic; visionary, impractical, or impracticable.
3. impulsive and often rashly unpredictable.

[Origin: 1805–15; (Don) Quixote + -ic]

—Synonyms 2. fanciful, fantastic, imaginary.

adj.
Caught up in the romance of noble deeds and the pursuit of unreachable goals; idealistic without regard to practicality.
Capricious; impulsive: “At worst his scruples must have been quixotic, not malicious” (Louis Auchincloss).

2006-09-23T13:02:00.000-07:00

A few things I've been meaning to write

As of right now I won't share any of what I had in mind. There were jokes to tell, that you'll never hear. I journalled quite a lot of decent things, that you'll never read. Even one about a supernatural sunset I saw. You weren't there. I've had plenty of thoughts, plenty of tentative plans, some that are in affect today. You probably won't ever know any of them.

If this sounds more like blame than love it's because I'm inadequate, not you. I'm learning some wonderful things, about life, God, misery and company. It's a pretty thought when you come to mind, especially the weird time we had with each other, surreal. I'm a realist.

Today I'm thinking of you and relaxing in sunlight. I'm well, still breathing, just wanted you to know.

2006-09-22T21:52:00.000-07:00

"I can't imagine now living without someone who knows me 40 years deep" - a widow

If for no other reason, I would grow old for this.

2006-09-11T23:18:00.000-07:00

i have a song stuck in my head... it is to the tune of the old "nickolodeon" theme song. it goes something like this:

junk ju-junk junk ju-junk junk junk
myspace.
junk junk junk junk junk
work.
junk ju-junk junk ju-junk junk junk
fasfa.
junk junk junk junk junk
replacing ink cartridges.
junk ju-junk junk ju-junk junk junk
wisdom teeth squigying.
junk junk junk junk junk
putting pets down.
junk ju-junk junk ju-junk junk junk
wearing clothes
junk junk junk junk junk

i think you get the point............................................

2006-09-08T11:47:00.000-07:00

Please come again...

So when C.S. Lewis describes the love of friendship he sets up two images (forgive me this will be the crudest version of his beautiful words, mine fall short in comparison), first: of two people who develop a relationship out of fascination with the thought of one another, and therefore sets them facing each other as the center of their focus; the second image is that of two people who develop a relationship of mutual interests, and the parallel of their lives and experiences that they have in common, this setting them facing outward while walking side by side.

With this description, the pictures behind my eyes of the beguiling people adjourning the steady pace I walk seem clearer in relation to the disruption itself.

Friend, comrade, pal, buddy, ally, companion, these words stir and blend with ideas and expectations planted in the mind of that small child, fresh and green to the world; ideas and expectations that will grow or wither, into love or bitterness.

So I say, in complication of perception, please come again; to the hope and fear and longing of reciprocated invitation. Those people, who frequently interact, will surely understand that the complications and vulnerability are flood gates for self-doubt as well as satisfaction.

When desire or curiosity, maybe a foreign breeze, instigates travel, be welcome where I am, for that is what you are.

2006-08-30T21:51:00.000-07:00

my fetus twin said this...

Let me start by saying that I have no idea what this may turn out to be but whatever it is it will be mine.

I have never written a blog that was not camouflaged feeling wrapped up in disguise, a letter without an address.

I've been called misterious, standoffish, and at times a loner because of my disinterest in making myself quickley avaliable, an open book to those who only judge by the cover. You think I have something something to say ??? So what if no one will listen.

" what's the point of all this talking no ones listening anyway"

If I am or am not beautiful what is beauty? It is in the eye of the beholder and in the hands of fate quickley changed are distorted by time, distruction, and a blink. Call me not beautiful it is a lie, a line, a theory, it is nothing and yet everyone wants to make it there's, it is better to bottle the wind.

I am not always what I appear and I make no apologies the details are rarely caught at first glance.If you think you know me it is only because you lie. I do not hide myself because of some attempt to draw you in or push you out ,I do it simlply because we have not reached that destination yet when you and I are ready I will gladly take you to all my lands.

Do not be quick in your decision to love are hate me I am not always where you met me. Am I cautious YES, I live what I've learned and am waiting for you to teach me something new.

I do not lie as much as I do not admit to you what I have yet to admit to myself. Honesty and sincerity are very important to me without it I feel it is just a waste of time. If we all became who we are what would we have to fear we would all be exposed and unable to threaten anyone.

I am nothing great simply Human if I gain admiration it is not because I am better are worse only what was sought at that moment. It can be lost as well as found. To love it while it's new is customary to love it old extordinary.

In five years in thirty years what ever it takes. What does it take for something good to become great ??? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop (366).The future so easy to promise it doesn't belong to you.

Well all this nonsense and so am I.contemplating like taking a shit you feel good after it's done and who care's if no one can stand the smell of it.

2006-08-30T21:50:00.000-07:00

words always fall short. they never sum up quite what i am thinking, or feeling, whatever you want to call it. God is really the only one who will ever know. It was His language before it was mine. His Word, that started it all. Anything and everything can set it off if you just let it. Study the detail, inhale every scent, listen to every tone. Then something just happens, phrases repeat themselves in your head over and over, even if it doesn't quite make sense, it will, just trust. When it looks as though nothing will come out of it, the spotlight turns on and the focus is born. some won't understand it, probably most. and that's the beauty of it. everyone will take it for their own, to their own experience, own body and eyes. it won't hurt or anger, because that's what it was intended for before you laid it down for them to see. let them take it. lay it down. It will be there when you need it too.

2006-08-26T19:55:00.001-07:00

mere trifles really...

bodily harm
spiritual attack
financial standing
homelessness
desiese
being misunderstood
discomfort
performance anxiety
poisoned
lost
scared
socially unexcepted
socially awkward
prone to wonderings

etcetera... etcetera...

2006-08-26T19:50:00.000-07:00

manic

cheap love is what it's not.
Vision beside me, lying lonely on the concrete floor.
Lover, you longed to be received.

Ashes of rememberance ran through his fingertips.
Knee deep, the current washed them away.
Time held its breath and waited.

I am free, I am free

Lines aided us along.
Palms strentched to catch the next eye.
Gods in the moment, and the words quivered under the pressure.

We still die, we still die

2006-08-14T15:03:00.000-07:00

Some new developments.

1)I may or may not be getting tired of going out to the bars. (This is exceptional, because I love to drink and be merry, and I don't actually go out very often...I'm cheap)I might just be skipping right over mid-life and onto being quite old. I'm talking 90 here.

2)Kaylie and I just put a deposite down on a lovely one bedroom apartement. It is right on capitol hill which is in seattle, extremely close to the school we will be attending. It is a 6 month lease. HELP MEEE... Heather+committment=danger! I have a lot of support however urging me forward, I'm not kidding, maybe it's common knowledge, but what can I say... I have issues.

3)I have to get my wisdom teeth out. I'm not sure how many of you have no dental insurance, but I sure don't. cheers, I will have to sell myself into prostitution to pay for this one.

4)I am heading a team for a cancer walk in october. We will be raising, as a team, donations that will go toward the American Cancer Society. This is actually very dear to my heart, and I am quite excited. Pray and financial help are welcome.

5)Summer 06' kicks a big fat ass.

6)After finishing an Associate's degree (it might be a while, at least a year) I will head to South America and pull a motorcylce diary's. Sign ups to join start now.

2006-08-12T12:42:00.000-07:00

i saw Kellyn and Brittany last night and you didn't. BOOYAH. It's sunny and I want to go boating. "I'm sailing, I'm a sailor!" Yo Ho and a bottle of rum. Oh yeah, I was recently informed by a trusted source that in the Bajamas a twelve pack of cheapo beer is double that of the biggest bottle of rum (the one bigger than a fifth, i'm not actually sure what that is), which is 7 bucks. Amazing.

2006-08-11T00:01:00.000-07:00

I could write a book
about things that have an element of the ridiculous, they tend to orbit the world I seem to live in (conciously or not). With a sneaking suspicion, a conclusion has wrapped itself up into a cat-like ball in the corner of my head. In summary, that very little of the day is catagorized as "normal" and therefore most of the interesting stories to be told are overlooked on the basis of my desensitized awareness. Today, I was not alone for more than a few minutes, and had the priveledge of remenising on the events that had past. I'll just repeat one of literally many. A woman outside the coffee shop refused to sit down at a chair (next to our table) until my friend removed a random newspaper (that was not ours nor did it look in anyway associated with us) with a heading that had to do with mutant rats or something of the nature. The story expands into her getting defensive at her inaccurate thought of us talking of eating cats, ending in her putting out a tackle box of jewlry. Her best quote of the day "Most people think they ate chinchillas, but that is completely untrue, it was guinee pigs".
I wouldn't have it any other way.

2006-08-06T02:23:00.000-07:00

I miss you. OK. The end.

2006-08-05T21:47:00.000-07:00

Epiphany! Back from Idaho, Salmon to be excact. A new awareness has dawned on me. A deeper understanding of how deeply disfunctional my family (extended included) is. It goes back generations! HA! This is AMAZING stuff! What's more... is that it takes the pressure off. (ew, not to make a weird reference to Taurenhof) It's like this: if it didn't start with my immediate family, then it can't all be due to our lack of ability to work in a healthy funtional family unit. YAY. Oh how beautiful it is to broaden one's perspective. Takes the focus off yourself once in a while, and that feels nice if only for a moment.

2006-07-29T01:23:00.000-07:00

Fascinating things I know too little about and would give what I have (and don't have for that matter) to know first hand. Not in immediate importance I might add...

The Bohemian Renaissance
Ernesto Guevara before and after "Che"
The birth of the newest addition to my extended family, Sophia
A day in the life of: Mother Theresa, Gary Hougan, a tibetan monk, a woman of seperate culture and location, a gypsy, Kate Moss, Penny Lane, a child in South Asia, a national geographic photojournalist on assignment, a desperate housewife, my cats, an east-coast college-youth delved in social and educational circles, Plato, Harry Potter, and so much more...
The man known as C.S. Lewis
Rainforests
Ancient Egypt, ancient cultures in general
Pompeii
Scriptures/writings that were not included in the Bible
Voudouan culture
The bottom of the ocean
The solar system
Math
Hitchhiking trans-america
The origin of life
Diaspora (if only to understand better)
The 60's

that's it for now... my mind is loosing focus at 2am. all is being stirred together in one large couldron of soupy thoughts.

2006-07-20T21:24:00.000-07:00

the greatest night.
the hot day turns to a vibrant red and melds into the deepest of soft blues. the voice talking back to you is speaking your language, the eyes looking at you, actually see you. magnificent energy carries the conversation. it floats along the waves of pollen and scent of baking nature. hearty laughter and love reverberate along the corridors and pillars. just pleasure, acceptance. yeah, one of those nights.

2006-07-18T02:19:00.000-07:00

I had a conversation with my mom tonight. A real one. No one will truly know what that means to me and how important I actually classify this in life. I'm not sure this will be read. Either way doesn't matter much. I just didn't have someone to tell. I am exhausted.

2006-07-08T20:31:00.000-07:00

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just a day, he sat down to the flask in his fist,
Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
And breathe, just breathe
Woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

2006-07-03T11:06:00.000-07:00

The dream I had last night.

She was chilled to the bone and wasn't aware. Years of substances tiding her over 'til next season. I held her image in my eyes for a moment. How much she was deserving of the articles I wore. The fine fabric with sole purpose of warmth and covering. I watched myself go to her sheepishly. Kneel beside her glossy eyes. No voice came from her, no sigh for help, she just sat with her dirty belongings. My arms slid out of the newly aquired jacket, onto her unexpecting shoulders. No words exchanged, no tears, no goodbyes. No promises on either side, no inquiries of past life or future hope. Just a moment of choice and deliberate action of receiving and giving. By no means a 'widow's mite', by no grand scale. But I did receive tat day, such a gift from her. She was so gracious in allowing me a minute to see her, to touch her. I looked out to her for help and she heard my cry.

2006-06-30T18:26:00.000-07:00

I've found it. Yes indeed, I have found something tangible to focus my entire attention and effort on. No other act has been so all encompassing, been so hearily affective. Consolodated things pent-up in nature, and released them on one, insignificant, green fuzzy ball. I weild in one hand all the weapon I need to form an attack on all that I hate. I release in one fowl swipe all congestion of trauma, anxieties and memories. Within the hour, the sweat that falls takes with it the insecurities of facist beauty standards. Can you imagine? Never in my life have I given an ounce of purposful thought to this little green orb. The weilded weapon has only been used in squanderings and flagrant rebellion in my youth, mutilated by hit stones and destructive swings. But now I tell you my friends. It is this game that is rejuvinating and inserting health back into my dying soul. Yes dear ones, I am speaking of tennis.

2006-06-27T00:58:00.000-07:00

A light unto this world. Meaningless dribble of superficial awareness, a line walked upon for the sake of image. A call that strikes one down, a pit of seamingless despair. Barely breathable, filtering into the lungs, dingy, black buildup. One creates deeply. One knows deeply. The route of all that is, was, and will be. The veil, slowly methodically slit. Isolation is a bitch. A double edged sword. A self induced drug, overdosing the veins with venom of such destructive power only to leave the victom clinging to a hollow protection. In a face, in a word. Tangible though it seems, truly worthless to pursue. Solution A seems simple, play on, bury every true and passionate desire knowingly doing so to set expectations in instant gratification to satisfy the flesh. At least then it will seem worth it on the surface. Maybe eventually disintangling those fiery desires of righteous life from within leaving ignorance to bliss. Solution B, though also simple in theory, damn near impossible. Lay down and die. Absolete of flesh, give into death for the sake of life of eternal sanctification and satisfaction. Oh but the parodox begins. As natural as death is, self preservation is a killer. Blinded by that fucking veil. To die is to truly live? To die to Perfection is. That fucking veil. Seeing images depicted. knowledge of what they are but no insight. You know the path you are walking. You know where it leads. You know the crippling affect it has. The speck in another's eye seems so easily removed when all along a thorough surgical procedure looks to be in my cards. Is acknowledgment in any way beneficial? What is forgiveness without repentence? Where does that strength come from when the faith seems smaller than a mustard seed? When patience is wearing thin and the vicious cycle seems endless. What then? Should I be reminded of my flesh's mortality?

2006-06-26T23:46:00.000-07:00

I was reading through the journal my friend Alison bought me before I left for Bodenseehof. From the first page to the last the theme is one person, along with that theme is a consistance talking TO God. Not about, but TO him. I'm not gonna lie, Kyle was a huge spiritual influence in my life. There are things he said that will stick with me for life, not because he said them necessarily, but because of what was said. Impactful, insightful, truthful, wise. Another thing that caught my attention was the first journal entry about Thailand. April 20th '05. "At coffee today I got to talk more about Thailand and learning different languages. I guess that comment Kyle made about talking about it helping to keep you accountable is more true than I thought." My passion for girls in impossible situations has been lifelong, but never voiced that until then. That was over a year ago.

2006-06-24T16:34:00.000-07:00

I put my two weeks notice in at Salty's (the restaraunt I have been working at). I'm going to be looking for a new job when this one ends, but I am content with having weekends to look at apartments with Kaylie and see friends. Just writing for the sake of writing. I had a funny conversation with two of my girl friends about sex. I almost pooped my pants. Yeah, it was that funny.

2006-06-20T18:59:00.000-07:00

Down to details. This is my life as I know it.
I am bitterly unemotional to all relationships involving men. Which means, there are decisions that I make that are foolish and also decisions I make that are out of fear or out of "need". This leads to complications that add to a deadening of my heart.
Friends that are dear to my heart, over this past year or however long, have gone through hell and back in their own lives. I have no power over that nor can I support them and devote to them the love and attention that they deserve and need. This kills me.
Over the past two years I have been preparing (unconciously and other) for facing my family's ugly past of abuse, substance and otherwise. I have started a mentorship that is helping me focus thoughts and actions more clearly. It is a slow, slow process and quite unconventional, but I think I would have it no other way. All this to say, it leaves my heart vulnerable and open to attack. This also however, has given me a tangible outlook on the reason I have little to no trust in God. Which honestly is the one predominant issue, not of abuse or choices I make or anything. It all goes back to trust and fear.
Next, I long to devout the life I have been given to children of sexual abuse and slavery. An internal battle is raging, it will be unleashed one day, but how far I have to travel and how long is up for debate. I am a coward, and a product of my upbringing and life experience. With these attributes, it makes taking a course of action one that is damn near impossible... for me anyway, maybe not for the God of creation, but again, I trust not.
Courtnay has put in action a "prayer day" I cannot pretend that is on my forthought, but I will. I will it to God, whoever He truly is and whatever He is in my life.
I leave for Idaho in august to put the ashes of my grandpa in the salmon river. I will see there more family then I have ever seen or inteacted with in my life. This makes me nervous and excited. I will meet for the first time a new addition to the family, Sophia, who is 6 months old.
This in part, is my inner life, my terrified, vulnerable cry to you, who will do with it what you will.

2006-06-17T10:52:00.000-07:00

It's a pain that's for sure. But where to catagorize the pain is where I am having the trouble. Of deepest to shallowest, it feels she has jumped off closer to the deep end. Is it because the world in my mind is quite overwhleming? And now my emotions are more sensitive to exposure? My vulnerable heart is no new concept, it's not new to anyone or their experiences either. But for whatever reason the friendship we previously had was one i was willing to sweat blood for. Apparently she feels differently now. So differently in fact that out of the blue I have "hurt her so frequently" there is now little to no communication between us. So hear is where I'm stuck. If our friendship was true why could we not communicate fairly to each other? So as not to get to this point. I saw her yesterday, the first interaction in months. I was a stanger to her. Someone maybe she recognized from the many travels of her life. So let's jump in, I've put on my scuba gear and am ready for the deep end.

2006-06-12T00:33:00.000-07:00

Spent my days with a woman unkind,
Smoked my stuff and drank all my wine.
Made up my mind to make a new start,
Going to california with an aching in my heart.
Someone told me theres a girl out there
With love in her eyes and flowers in her hair.
Took my chances on a big jet plane,
Never let them tell you that theyre all the same.
The sea was red and the sky was grey,
Wondered how tomorrow could ever follow today.
The mountains and the canyons started to tremble and shake
As the children of the sun began to awake.
Seems that the wrath of the gods
Got a punch on the nose and it started to flow;
I think I might be sinking.
Throw me a line if I reach it in time
Ill meet you up there where the path
Runs straight and high.
To find a queen without a king;
They say she plays guitar and cries and sings.
La la la la
Ride a white mare in the footsteps of dawn
Tryin to find a woman whos never, never, never been born.
Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams,
Telling myself its not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.

2006-06-09T19:20:00.000-07:00

I didn't get to write about the last blog. Which I did because through picking ONE picture, this site (on Courtnay's blog) tells me who I am. As if in choosing a picture a whole person can be defined. It's hard enough to define one person through studying their life (as you see it no less, because you know there is more than what is shared with the outside world.) And I'll only mention those secret things even that person doesn't know about themselves. Anyway, I don't think the people who developed the site really think they can define people by the picture they choose, (and if they do than they are completely dilluted). But I thought it was funny anyway. TRY IT! WHOO YEAH!
Oh yeah, and Brent I'm sorry we didn't get to hang out before you left for Japan. Truly.

2006-06-06T21:32:00.000-07:00

Your Hidden Talent

You are a great communicator. You have a real way with words.
You're never at a loss to explain what you mean or how you feel.
People find it easy to empathize with you, no matter what your situation.
When you're up, you make everyone happy. But when you're down, everyone suffers.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

2006-06-06T14:35:00.000-07:00

Ok. Here's the thing. I have some incredible friends who write incredible stories that I love to read. So, when I experience something throughout the day that is "blog worthy" I think to myself, "Heather, remember this so that you're friends have something interesting to read". However, At the end of the day, without fail, I have always forgotten whatever it was that was going to be posted. This is my apology, and my having a laugh at my own expense. Again. I get to see Brent in 2 days.

2006-06-02T03:16:00.000-07:00

True story.
So there was this AMAZINGLY huge picture of myself and Courtnay Smith that miraculously appeared on this blog site... In fact, it was so tremendously huge that it frightended me at first. One: I wasn't sure excactly how I had mangaged to make it appear. Second: It took up (no joke) half of the page itself. Third: I had not even a remote idea of how to erase the abomination.
So I spent about an hour?? on the internet trying to figure this pile of feces out. Finally giving up, thinking, "hey, what the heck, at least it's a good story that I can laugh about". Then Professor Brent Potter called, and he proceeded to find my blog site, without the gigantic photo.
I'm not gonna lie... I was almost depressed about this bit of information. I had grown so used to the hilarious idea of me being so technologically UNsavvy that I had messed up my page already.
Now I find it even more laughable that I didn't understand how I had managed to get the abnormally large photograph on my page in the first place, but that I had succeeded in erasing it without actually being aware that I had done so.
The moral: There is none. I'm just not computer literate. And I'm ok with that. Cheers.